A SoCk of a Darker Weave...

"For every breath that peals with laughter, there is a tear that gives its life in an almost holy sacrifice."

I remember, years ago, being asked, "If you knew a person was going to die when you met, could you let yourself love them?" 

At the time, I could think of no other answer than: "We're all going to die, aren't we?"

Actually, the context then was the loss of a good friend in junior high; we were something like 14 and he was killed in a biking accident that led to a friend starting a campaign with a local company to promote bike helmet safety.  Who knows how many other kids were saved by that project, so how can I say more than how deeply that loss changed me?  That boy who died meant something to me that I don't think anyone else knew then, and I had already experienced a fair bit of loss in my life by that point, so being asked that question meant something different to me than anyone else could have expected.

Since that rather awkward and painful experience called adolescence, I have experienced, much as anyone who survives it, more love and more loss.  I have even had that question haunt me time and again, as I met and worked with people who were struggling with issues that were or that could end up terminal.  I have had several friends who have or who were diagnosed with terminal illnesses, but also several with issues such as Bipolar and other disorders whom I knew could simply be gone without much more warning than a note.  Of course don't forget those who are simply more advanced in years than I, whose time remaining on earth ticks slowly away simply because they have outlived and outlasted beyond so many others.

And, I have lost some of them.  To all of those reasons.  That is one of the most painful certainties of life; as one beautiful and wise friend said to me, and pardon the paraphrase: no matter how perfectly and happily we live and love, we will end up grieving loss.  It is a hazard of being born, of living, and of loving.

Some have said Shakespeare was right, though again I paraphrase (mostly because I'm too lazy to look up references - sorry but deal with it); 'tis better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.  I cheered loudly when the character in "Men In Black" looked the other right in the eye and said simply, "Try it."

But does that mean it's better to lock up one's heart, never allow one's self to fully connect with others, and stay "safe"?  Is it better to live a dry life devoid of the messy complexities of love, than risk drowning in a flood of emotional mishaps?  Would you be willing to exchange feeling the blissful rapture of a fully-engaged loving experience, for the sterility of knowing you may never feel more pain than loneliness?

Ah HAH!  There it is!  That is the question!  If you never risk loving, will you truly avoid pain?  I say, not at all.  Having experienced both heartbreak and loneliness, I can't personally say either is "better" nor "easier".  Yes, when you refuse to love, you won't as likely experience the sharp pangs of heartbreak or grief; on the other hand, is the icy ache of loneliness really that much easier? 

On top of that, when you refuse to love, you refuse yourself the fantastic opportunity to fully experience what it is to be alive!  To be human!  To be whole.  Yes, whole.  Not in the sense of the idea that each person is only half a person, without a mate never finding true fulfillment, but in the sense that humans are "social" and "community" creatures and without that, we are not able to fully experience our full potential. 

This post could get really long if I go on explaining what I mean by that, & it kinda tangents anyway, so even though I love a good SoCkmoment (who doesn't?) I think I may just stick a bit closer to my original point.  Did I ever get to that? *scrolls up to check*  Um, sort of, but I wonder if you actually figured that out...

My point was, in my current state of life, though I have lost, and currently stand to yet lose more, and I do mean more than just "lovers" so to speak, I believe it is worth everything to love.  I believe I have sufficiently paid price for that opinion, so it is mine to use as I will. 

~ Every breath of laughter is worth the possible gasp of tears. ~
~ Every moment of joy is worth the possible grief. ~
~ Every smile of friendship is worth the possible grimace of loss. ~
~ Every sentiment of encouragement is worth the possible sentiment of condolence. ~
~ Every risk taken to help is worth the possible mistake. ~
~ Every "I love you" is worth the possible echo in return ~

Perhaps in some time I may reach a point at which I have lost something that will change my mind.  If that happens, I hope to have also the presence of mind to remember why that loss was so overwhelming, and find balance in the memory of having loved in such a way  that such grief was possible.  For how lucky would I be to have had something in my life that was worth such grief?

Anyway, that's kinda heavy stuff but it was on my mind and it's my blog so - well, so I guess that's what you get.

~ Me